Real improvement begins with ACCEPTANCE by Kumāra Bhikkhu

Real improvement begins with ACCEPTANCE by Kumāra Bhikkhu

In spiritual teachings, Buddhism included, we often meet with the idea of acceptance. It means non-resistance of the way things are. In itself, it’s kindness. More than that, it allows the mind to be composed, and see things as they are.

 My teacher, Sayadaw U Tejaniya, told us of an interesting encounter at a meditation retreat in Bali. A woman was having difficulty accepting something that had happened in her life. A helper tried to convince her to accept it, but she resisted. “How can I accept it?!” Realising that he couldn’t help her, he brought her to see the teacher. After hearing the story, he told her, “OK. 

Don’t try to accept. Just acknowledge.” The woman thought for a while and said, “This I can do.” 

Sayadaw then told us, “She can’t accept, but she can acknowledge, but actually they are the same!”

 Now, why couldn’t she accept the word accept? I think she perceived it as condoning or agreeing. But that’s not what acceptance mean, at least not in this context. It’s really just acknowledging things as they way they are, not resisting.

 Another reason for resisting acceptance is believing that it entails letting things be as they are, and thus not improving anything. People commonly believe that to motivate change for the better we mustn’t accept things as they are—be it yourself, or the government. There’s some truth to this belief: Acting out of non-acceptance (i.e. resistance) can work. However, being based on aversion, it naturally entails negative results.

 For example, you walk into your living room to see your child having turned a wall into a canvas for his masterpiece. 

Being unable to accept the free decoration, you yell at him. You think that will teach him to never do that again. He is shocked and cries. You yell again, telling him to stop. He doesn’t. So, to assert your demand, you hit him. And that does the job. He forces himself to shut up. He may also never draw on the wall (or anywhere else) again. You achieve your aim. He has ‘improved’.

 Whether or not you consider this an extreme example, you probably agree such things happen. 

You probably also don’t need me to connect the non-acceptance and the negative results. In any case, let me apologise if that example triggered unhappy memories in you. If it did, I invite you to pause reading to just acknowledge the mass of thoughts and feelings as it is, and let it take its own course.

 What suffering we create out of non-acceptance. What suffering we perpetuate.

 The child may have grown up to be a great artist if not for the fear that comes up whenever he thinks of drawing. Other than that fear, no one, nothing, is stopping him. His resistance, his unwillingness to face the fear, perpetuates the suffering.

 If one day he decides that he has had enough of the fear, that he wants to change for the better, to improve, then he needs to acknowledge, not resist: Acknowledge the fear; acknowledge the story of his past underlying the fear; acknowledge even his non-acceptance of the fear, of the story, of himself; acknowledge his desire, his frustration, his anger, his hurt. 

Acknowledge them all as they are: a mass of ‘stuff’.

 As he acknowledges, as he accepts all that, bringing them into his view, allowing them to be as they are, he gradually learns to see them as they are. Then, as if magic, they release him, and disappear, leaving behind a harmless story.

 Real improvement begins with acceptance.

 

Kumāra Bhikkhu was ordained in 1999 at the age of 27. With his past training and interest in education, he has been sharing the Dhamma in several languages (mainly English, Mandarin and Hokkien) with people old and young. Inspired by his main meditation teacher, Sayadaw U Tejaniya, Ven. Kumāra is especially interested in spiritual teachings on how to remove the causes of suffering. Influenced by Bhaddanta Aggacitta Mahāthera, he is open to Dhamma teachings beyond orthodoxy and tradition, so long as they work towards true ending of suffering. Having found his way, he is happy to help others do so too. 

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