The 38 Ways to Happiness :- Cherishing our husband or wife

C. DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES

C.1 Getting Married

C.1.1 Choosing a compatible husband or wife
In order for a couple to stay together, it is necessary that they are compatible in terms of the level of virtues they possess — particularly the following four “virtues of compatibility” [samajīvi-dhamma]:

1. faith [sama-saddha]: husband and wife should have the same level of spiritual faith and the same level of “aim in life”

2. self-discipline [sama-sīla]: husband and wife should have the same standards of Precepts, manners and etiquette as one another;

3. self-sacrifice [sama-cāga]: husband and wife should have the same level of self-sacrifice in selflessly devoting themselves to generous deeds or helping others;

4. wisdom [sama-paññā]: husband and wife should have the same level of wisdom, creativity, empathy and common-sense — being on the same communicative “wavelength” — neither suffering overly from stubborness.

In addition, concerning compatibility, the Buddha warned of the perils of an old man bringing home a young girl as a wife:

          (When) an old man takes as a wife a vigourous young girl and cannot sleep, because of his possessiveness for her, this leads to his downfall.

Parābhava Sutta, SN.20 v.109-10

C.1.2 Marrying your spouse

In the time of the Buddha, there was no such thing as a legal registration of marriages. A man and a woman mutually decided to accept each other as husband and wife and thereafter they lived together. Their marriage was carried out in the presence of the lay-community rather than in the presence of the spiritual community.

In the present day, however, legal registration of a marriage is required. Details differ from country to country and Buddhism supports whatever complies with the Law. However, there remains no specific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a marriage. Buddhism recognizes the traditions and cultures practiced by people in different countries — hence Buddhist wedding rituals differ from one country to another. In general, there will be a religious service for blessing and to give advice to the new couple, performed either in the home or in the temple.

Some hesitate over becoming “officially” married over concerns such as whether their marriage vows will substitute for affection as the bonds to hold the couple together! However, this misses the point of legalizing a marriage which is publically to recognize one’s spouse. How do you think a wife would feel if her husband were too embarrassed to admit he had married her? — or how would the husband feel if his wife refused to wear a wedding ring? Marrying is about showing each other due respect — and this is the foundation of the trust which unifies the couple.

C.2 Maintaining a married relationship

C.2.1 The challenge of married life

Life in a long-term relationship is infinitely more demanding on one’s store of virtues than that of dating and first love. How can a couple preserve the joy of their initial encounters while developing the love and understanding to ensure a happy and stable marriage? How can partners respect their own dignity and that of their “better half” instead of running off to get a divorce or abortion after their first quarrel or dispute?

C.2.2 Principles

In a recent piece of research on the emotions, it was discovered that immediately conflicts within a marriage lead to “stone-walling” (i.e. the husband and wife are no longer on speaking terms), the further life expectancy of the marriage will not exceed three years (John Gottman, What Predicts Divorce). Conflicts can not be avoided in a marriage — the secret of happy marriage relies on keeping open channels of communication to deal with them.

A surprise for many modern-day readers is that the Buddha never recommended “making yourself more attractive” or “being sexy” as a way to maintain a marriage. He addressed instead the gravest enemies of marriage: “distrust” and “suspicion”.

Maintaining good channels of communication according to the principle recommended by the Lord Buddha is to maintain a healthy “emotional bank account” [saṅgahavatthu] with one’s marriage partner. There are four ways of maintaining a healthy emotional bank account with your partner as follows:

1. Giving resources [dāna]: If two people are going to live together they must be able to share what they have with their partner. Any place that lacks giving will be parched like an emotional desert. Once married, all the property once individually owned should be shared. To “keep back” something as an individual asset will only create suspicion — and suspicion kills marriages. Thus it is important to keep open a channel of communication in the marriage whereby one partner can consult the other if they are suffering or are having problems with material resources.

2. Endearing speech [piyavācā]: A husband and wife should take care always to address each other with polite speech, even in the case they need to criticize each other. Sometimes if things become too informal, careless words may touch on the “views” of the other partner and disturb thepeacefulness of the family. After marriage, one should use the same standard of polite of speech used before marriage!

3. Helpfulness [atthacariyā]: A husband and wife need to lend each other a helping hand. Also if one of the partners learns something new concerning spiritual knowledge, they should share it with their spouse. When a conflict arises in the marriage, there is a huge temptation to put all the blame on the other partner instead of taking collective responsibility — but if both are well-versed in spiritual teachings, the couple will tend to deal with the problem directly instead of merely looking for someone to blame.

4. Consistency [samānatatta]: Both husband and wife have implicit duties in the marriage (see details below) and to the degree they live up to these duties they will avoid the suspicions of their partner. If a husband has decided that his wife should take responsibility for the running of the house, he should not subsequently come interfering in the household affairs. Sometimes “appropriateness” is not immediately evident for every situation — sometimes it is hard to sense what your partner expects of you — but if both partners meditate on a daily basis, they will tune in more easily to consistently harmonious behaviours.

C.2.3 Five duties of a husband to his wife

Based on these four principles, in the Siṅgalovāda Sutta the Buddha advised of five duties a husband should fulfil towards his wife and five duties a wife should fulfill towards her husband. The duties of a husband are as follows:

1. He must praise his wife: He should not keep a wife in secret. Once a man is married he should show off his wife in public, not keep his wife in secret. He should have a proper, lawful registration of his marriage. He should be careful to treat his wife with respect, not criticizing her personally in front of inferiors.

2. He must never look down on his wife: Even though a couple is married doesn’t mean that a husband will have an attitude of respect to his wife. Sometimes he may look down on her or even treat her like a slave or a pet animal. That a husband restrains himself from looking down on his wife in any way, shows his responsibility for the human dignity of others.

3. He must never be unfaithful: Because a Buddhist husband is a man of virtue it goes without saying that he refrains from the Four Defilements of Action [kammakilesa]: killing, stealing, adultery and telling lies. He would thus never be unfaithful to his wife, because doing so would destroy the human dignity of himself and his wife. The feelings of a person who is found guilty of sexual misconduct are described in the Sutta Nipata:

          Whatever fame and reputation he had before, of course vanishes…in the grip of his fantasies, he broods like a beggar. Hearing the outrage of others, he gets depressed…hearing the spread of gossip, he then hides in his own embarrassment. He cannot accept the criticism of others on this count, and may lie to those who try to counsel him…

Tissametteyya Sutta, SN.160 v.817-20

4. He should give his wife the responsibility for looking after the house: To demonstrate his sincerity and trust for his wife, a husband must give his wife the final word in the organization of the household and the family without interfering. If his wife is a “working mother” it doesn’t make her any less responsible for the affairs of the home and the family, but husband and wife will need to come to an agreement, according to the principles of the “emotional bank account”, whereby she can manage to keep on top of her domestic responsibilities without being overloaded.

5. He should bring his wife gifts of clothing or jewelry: Such gifts express the love of a husband for his wife and his appreciation of her virtues. Such generosity can mend many marriages. It breathes a new air of life into a relationship. A husband should take his wife shopping for things she wants to buy. He should encourage her to do the things she wants to do sometimes to allow her to get out of the house occasionally.

C.2.4 Five duties of a wife to her husband

The duties of a wife to her husband are as follows:

1. She sees to the proper care of the household. The wife should see to it that the house becomes a heavenly mansion — the house should be peaceful, the food nourishing and appropriate in taste to the age and the health of the family members.

2. She must take proper care of the ‘in-laws’. The wife must look after her ‘in-laws’ especially well (within the limits of her convenience). She must be especially careful what she says to them because a few ill chosen words can have serious consequences.

3. She must never be unfaithful: Because a Buddhist wife is a woman of virtue it goes without saying that she refrains from the Four Defilements of Action [kammakilesa]: killing, stealing, adultery and telling lies. She would thus never be unfaithful to her husband, because doing so would destroy the human dignity of herself and her husband.

4. She must take good care of the shared wealth: A wife should look after the shared wealth of the household responsibly — being neither extravagant nor stingy. This implies that the husband goes out to work but entrusts his wife with the money for the administration of the family finances.

5. She must be conscientious in her responsibilities: Having been entrusted with the responsibility of looking after the household and the family she should see to it that these duties are properly fulfilled — rather than lazing around at home or doing other work to the neglect of the household.

C.2.5 Reciprocal relationship between husband and wife

From the Siṅgalovāda Sutta we learn that a husband has duties towards his wife and a wife has duties towards her husband. In the ideal world, both the husband and wife will fulfill their side of the bargain and in doing so, no danger will grow up in the relationship or for society at large — there will be happiness and prosperity both for husband, wife and society at large.

If the husband fulfils his duties according to Blessing Thirteen but the wife doesn’t, it can be said that the wife has done nothing to deserve such a good husband. In addition, certain harm will come to the family.

If the wife fulfils her duties according to Blessing Thirteen but the husband doesn’t, it can be said that the husband has done nothing to deserve such a good wife. In addition, certain harm will come to the family.

If the neither the husband nor the wife fulfill their duties according to Blessing Thirteen, certain harm will come not only to the family but to society at large too.

C.2.6 Ten further principles of happily married life

Finally for the married couple we are fortunate to have passed down to us in the Buddhist tradition the ten-fold advice given to Visākhā by her father Dhanañcaya on the day of her wedding (DhA.i.384ff.):

1. Don’t let the fire inside go outside: don’t go spreading the secret problems from inside the house for people outside to know about;

2. Don’t let the fire outside come inside: don’t bring gossip of problems from elsewhere into the house, especially gossip that is of no benefit to know;

3. Give to those who give to us: help those who have helped us in the past especially the parents of both the husband and the wife. Let them borrow things. If you lend things to people and they return them punctually, you should lend things to them a second time;

4. Don’t give to those who give nothing to us: Don’t lend things to people who never return them or return them late or to those who in the past have refused to help us even though it is within their capability to do so;

5. Whether they give or not, be generous anyway: Whether they have helped us before or not, if they are our relatives and they have fallen on hard times, you should help them anyway. It doesn’t matter if they return money given or not because their inability to return it is through circumstances beyond their control;

6. Make sure that the food is amenable: Make sure the meals served to your family are nutritious — and serve your in-laws with good food too. You may have to eat after your children have finished their meal — but if all the family are well provided for in terms of food, you too will have no problems when it comes to eating;

7. Find an amenable place to sit: This means the wife must know relative level of respect due to others — for example it would be insulting to sit on a higher level than one’s in-laws.

8. Find an amenable place to sleep: You should make sure that the sleeping place of everyone in the family is restful. Be prepared to get up before anyone else in the family and go to sleep when everyone else has already gone to bed.

9. Keep the fire going: that is to take special care of one’s in-laws and husband when they are “on fire” (i.e. in a bad temper) — even if they should speak in an unpleasant way to us, it is necessary to hold our silence instead of answering back — to say the right thing at the wrong time will only make the situation worse. Sometimes the wife must wait until things have “quietened down” before explaining the real reason for a situation.

10. Be respectful to the angels: to congratulate one’s husband or in-laws when they do something good or have experienced good luck. Our words of encouragement should lead them to ever better good deeds.

C.2.7 Sharing spiritual practice

You also need to be able to support your spouse spiritually. Any incompatibilities on a spiritual level discovered after marriage can by nurturing a mutual interest in spiritual self-development:

1. Persuade them to be generous, keep the Precepts, listen to sermons and meditate. Some are scared to encourage their spouse to have too much involvement with spirituality in case they turn professional and leave them to bring up the family alone. Some men say, “I want a wife in the home not a nun.” However, if one’s wife stays at home and also keeps the Precepts then we should be thankful (especially for the third precept). In the same way, wives can forbid their husbands from going to the temple more easily than they can prohibit them from unfaithfulness. At least if they go to the temple regularly they will be more motivated to be faithful to their wife.

2. Teach your spouse how to do chanting so that they have a refuge for the mind. If people have fear and shame of evil then they have virtually no vulnerability to adultery. Chanting and respect for the Triple Gem is the basis of fear and shame of evil.

C.3 Analyzing marriage breakdown

In the olden days, if a piece of a equipment or a pair of shoes were worn or broken, the owner would always take care to have it mended as new. No matter how much effort it took to have it mended, the owner would be prepared to make the sacrifices — because it would be unthinkably extravagant to buy another piece of the same sort of equipment or a new pair of shoes for as long as there were even a remote possibility of mending the old. Our modern society however, has turned into a ‘throwaway’ society. We replace things merely because they are worn, or obsolete or unfashionable — and it is even a pleasure when something breaks because at last you have “a legitimate excuse” to buy a new one. Such attitudes towards possessions at the worst are wasteful, but when they are applied not to objects, but to friendships and marriages, they tend to lower one’s threshold of patience and loyalty.

Divorce is becoming so common in our society that in some countries, single-parent families are as common as those with both parents! How can we analyze a marriage that is breaking up in order to know whether a divorce is for the better or not?

Basically there are only two scenarios — being bored of one’s partner and being bored of marriage.

In the first scenario one or both of the married partners feels that their marriage is not working and that they would be happier if they went to live with a certain other person. They want to “turn-in” their spouse in exchange for a new one! Such a divorce is a bad idea because what they fail to realize is that the faults they are trying to escape by divorce are not their ex-partner’s, but their own! If they do divorce, they will take these faults uncorrected to their next marriage and history will repeat itself. Thus rather than asking for a divorce, the person should get down to improving their own character in earnest (starting with forgiveness and humility) thereby repairing the relationship. This scenario applies in 99% of cases. Be warned! — you have no idea before going through with a divorce how destructive it will be for yourself, your children, your reputation, your spiritual development and for everyone else you and your spouse know.

In the second scenario, if after all efforts to ameliorate your marriage you realize that the problem is not with your spouse, but with marriage in general, this may be a valid reason for a divorce. In such a case, you see through the folly of being involved in a relationship at all. If the reason you want a divorce, is in order to upgrade the intensity of your spiritual vocation by leading a life of celibacy, with the genuine intention never again to enter into a new relationship, this is a valid reason to obtain a divorce. One should however, minimize the negative effects for any children you may have, by waiting first until they are old enough to be independent of you.