The Teachings of Ajahn Suchart.
12 September 2025
Q: I have some difficulty with my child. He is 15, a teenager. How to balance between mettā and not being too strong with him but also not being too nice with him.
Phra Ajahn: Well, you have to draw a line somewhere - where you have to stop if you cannot help him. You have to first know what your duty is. Your duty is to teach him or to give him the right knowledge. If he is doing something wrong, then you have to tell him ‘This is not right, you shouldn’t do it’. If he insists on doing it, then you might have to find some form of prevention, like cut his allowance something like that to make him realize that if he continues to do it, then his life is gonna be a little more difficult for him. He might then see the reason and he should follow what you say.
If he still does not follow your advice, then you just have to accept the reality that maybe this is the way it’s gonna be. So you have to cut loss, you know what I mean? Let him be. If he’s gonna go down the bad path and you try to stop him but he won’t stop, then the best thing you can do is to just give him the basic support, the 4 requisites of life: food, shelter, clothing and medicine, and education if he goes to school.
But as far as his conduct, if he is doing bad conduct and you have already told him and he doesn’t listen to you, then there’s nothing you can do. This is where you have to draw the line.
You can only teach and maybe find some form of prevention or obstacle to stop him or prevent him from doing what you think is not good. For example, you support him with money and when he has money, he can use that money to do things that he shouldn’t be doing so you might have to cut it down. But you cannot use force, you cannot slap him or chain him or anything like that. This is compassion or mettā. You can only help him so much. Once he doesn’t want to accept your help, then it’s useless for you to continue doing it.
Q: So, does mettā mean that we shouldn’t always be too nice with other people?
Phra Ajahn: Oh, no. You have to have a standard to stick to. You want to help people but you have to make sure that they don’t hurt themselves by you helping them. If you help them and support their bad behaviours, then this is not helping them in the long run. You’re actually hurting them. So you have to look the end result of your action.
“Dhamma in English, Nov 12, 2019.”
By Ajahn Suchart Abhijāto
YouTube: Dhamma in English.
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